Steve Jobs is Mac-n on my Man

Q: Dear Shlomo, my boyfriend recently got a MacBook Pro. Now he can't stand to be away from it. He even takes it to bed with us. We rarely make love anymore. What can I do? Yours Truly, FEATURE ENVY, New Jersey

A: Dear FEATURE ENVY: Your problem is a common one. Were Freud around he might advise you to scan your man's hard disk for naked pictures of his mom. Though, now that we have the Internets, things are far more twisted than your basic Oedipus complex. What would Freud say about clown porn, or my Japanese-girls-in-big-shoes-stepping-in-bubble-gum fetish? Never mind.

My advice is to exploit your boyfriend's weakness! Mac fan boys clearly have a soft spot for simple marketing tricks. One technique you might use is 'product placement'. For example, to increase a MacFanboy's libido, write a blog entry connecting some new Apple technology to sex. A good entry would be, "The Multi-Touch Kama Sutra" which would describe wild sexual positions based on the various Apple multi-touch fingering techniques.

The more descriptive the better! After you blog it, you can manipulate your man's RSS reader to feature your post, then sit back and enjoy the ride as he tries out some multi-touch favorites on you:

• The good old "Pinch and Expand"
• The vigorous "Click, Drag and Lock"
• The very naughty "Secondary Click B"