Wii are the music-makers, And Wii are the dreamers of dreams.

Q: Dear Shlomo, I got to play Nintendo's next generation video game system in my dreams. The controls were incredibly sophisticated wireless marionette controllers. On the character selection screen of the game I was playing you could choose to be a left handed gay marionette, right handed gay marionette or a straight marionette with his hands tied together. What does it mean? Yours, GAYMER, Utah.

A: GAYMER, did you get to see the specs for the system in your dream? I'd give my granddad's Atari Video Computer System (VCS) model 2600 to hear what they were. The controllers sound awesome, a huge step up from the Wiimote. I can't wait for Nintendo to bring this system out of the closet! As for the interpretation of the dream: If you chose the left handed gay marionette, it means that you are sexually repressed. If you chose the right handed gay marionette, it means you are repressed, sexually. If you chose the straight marionette with his hands tied together, it means you want to choose one of the gay marionettes, but you are too sexually repressed to do so.

Quantum Marriage

Q: Dear Shlomo, the woman I plan to propose to is a theoretical physicist, but I can't find a suitable engagement ring. Gold and diamonds are so trite. I have a great idea for a ring though: a miniature cyclotron. Wouldn't a ring sized particle accelerator make a great engagement gift? Yours, MUSTER MARK, Colorado.

A: MUSTER MARK, the physics of marriage is not well understood. The least comprehensible aspect of it revolves around the proposal and gift of the ring. So, while I commend your creativity and desire to please, I recommend against mixing cutting edge theoretical physics and a proposal. Why just last week on Oprah I heard a leading researcher surmise that placing a particle traveling near the speed of light around a woman's finger in such an event would create a black hole that could consume the entire solar system. In the best case scenario it would merely wipe out your bank account.

Do yourself a favor and read up on this stuff. I think you will find it interesting. For example, the Clinton-Lewinsky conjecture, similar to a thought experiment by Schrödinger, states that a husband locked in a room with a woman who is not his wife is in the quantumly precarious position of being both adulterous and faithful at the same time. Not until the room is opened does he become one or the other. Sadly, even for the faithful husband there is no guarantee he will ever hear the end of such an experiment. This is due to the 2nd law of Spousal Dynamics: the conservation of guilt.

Before mp3 There Was Compact Disk?

Q: Dear Shlomo, I have a record player. What now? Huge Regards, ANNA LOG, Kansas.

A: ANNA LOG, what the hell is a record player?

Converting Facebook Friends to Real Friends

Q: Dear Shlomo, I've got loads of friends! My Facebook profile will attest to that, but last weekend I went to the movies by myself. What is wrong? Respectfully, FACE TO FACEBOOK, Idaho.

A: FACE TO FACEBOOK, the formula for converting Facebook friends into real friends is

I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this blog is too superficial to contain. If you graph this function on your TI-85 you will notice that beyond a certain limit real friends decrease as your Facebook friends increase. So, simple math tells us that cutting back on asynchronous relationships will improve the amount of time spent in the vicinity of real live friends.

Facebook Extra Credit Problem: At the same moment, two trains leave Chicago and New York. They move towards each other with costant speeds. The train from Chicago is moving at speed of 3 miles per hour due to the large dose of horse tranquilizers that the engineer took. It carries 23 Facebook users with 3240 Facebook friends. The train from New York is moving at speed of 960 miles per hour due to the large vial of cocaine the conductor sold to the engineer. It carries 34 Facebook users with 5234 Facebook friends. The distance between Chicago and New York is 1000 miles. How many Scrabulous games will have been played by the time the trains meet?

Reminiscing About Now

Q: Dear Schlomo, when I am at a bar or restaurant I see groups of girls who spend half the evening taking pictures of each other. Then they spend the other half looking at those pictures. Why do they feel the need to relive 2 minutes ago? Kindly, ALMOST FAMOUS, Vermont.

A: ALMOST FAMOUS, clearly you are a purist. You like your social situations uncut. No digital fillers and no technological shenanigans. Nothing but good clean discourse. A group of people at a bar watching television? Disgraceful! A clutch of teenage dudes each simultaneously listening to his own iPod? Filthy! Ok, so it is easy to be annoyed by those cackling groups of girls huddled around their digital cameras. They are like a sorry lot of un-celebrities forced to be their own paparazzi, right? Then again, maybe they are on to something. There is pleasure to be had by reliving the past, and noting beats reminiscing with the people who were there. If the past is only 2 minutes ago you can almost guarantee everyone who was there is still here! With a little practice you can make 2 mintues ago seem like the good old days.

ME: "Hey ALMOST FAMOUS, Remember that time you asked me about girls with digital cameras?"
YOU: ":("
ME: "Anyway, those were the good old days. I wish we could bring those days back."

See! Reminiscing about the moment before is legit. And once you unlock that capability you get all the pleasure of reminiscing with none of the waiting around for old age. It is instant gratification.

ME: "Hey ALMOST FAMOUS, Remember that time we were remembering the time when you asked me about girls with digital cameras?"
YOU: ":("
ME: "Anyway, those were the good old days. I wish we could bring those days back."

Then again, maybe they just do it because sharing pictures is a fun social activity that complements a night on the town.

A Monkey Took my iPhone

Q: Dear Schlomo, since I got the iPhone I have a recurring dream in which an evil monkey takes the phone and climbs a tree. I climb after the monkey, higher and higher. Eventually the monkey disappears, I lose my balance and fall. What could it mean? Regards, MR BANANA PHONE, Arizona

A: Dear MR BANANA PHONE: What makes you so sure the monkey is evil? From your story the monkey would be most accurately described as mischievous. Since you have mistaken a mischievous monkey for an evil monkey, I wonder if you haven't mistaken a banana for an iPhone. If this is the case you can hardly blame a monkey. It is as natural as me stealing your iPhone. In any case, the iPhone/banana is a red herring. The tree represents your penis and the monkey represents your immature attitude towards it. It seems that you are repressed, sexually.

Free Time is Worth Something

Q: Dear Schlomo, my laptop turns on when the lid is closed and off when open. My husband says he isn't surprised becuase it's the same with me and his lids. How can I remedy this? Politely yours, TWO TO TOGGLE, Maine.

A: TWO TO TOGGLE, I'm not sure if you are asking for help with your laptop or your husband. Are you sure you aren't on to something good with this arrangement?

Steve Jobs is Mac-n on my Man

Q: Dear Shlomo, my boyfriend recently got a MacBook Pro. Now he can't stand to be away from it. He even takes it to bed with us. We rarely make love anymore. What can I do? Yours Truly, FEATURE ENVY, New Jersey

A: Dear FEATURE ENVY: Your problem is a common one. Were Freud around he might advise you to scan your man's hard disk for naked pictures of his mom. Though, now that we have the Internets, things are far more twisted than your basic Oedipus complex. What would Freud say about clown porn, or my Japanese-girls-in-big-shoes-stepping-in-bubble-gum fetish? Never mind.

My advice is to exploit your boyfriend's weakness! Mac fan boys clearly have a soft spot for simple marketing tricks. One technique you might use is 'product placement'. For example, to increase a MacFanboy's libido, write a blog entry connecting some new Apple technology to sex. A good entry would be, "The Multi-Touch Kama Sutra" which would describe wild sexual positions based on the various Apple multi-touch fingering techniques.

The more descriptive the better! After you blog it, you can manipulate your man's RSS reader to feature your post, then sit back and enjoy the ride as he tries out some multi-touch favorites on you:

• The good old "Pinch and Expand"
• The vigorous "Click, Drag and Lock"
• The very naughty "Secondary Click B"