Q: Dear Shlomo, last night I had a dream that Clark Kent knocked on my door and asked if he could use the restroom. A moment later he came out dressed as Superman and flew away. What does it mean? LOIS LANECHANGE, Lucas Kansas.

A: LOIS, Superman has traditionally changed in phone booths, but these days phone booths are as scarce as hen's teeth. Fortunately Starbucks has become as ubiquitous as the phone booths of yesterday. Now he changes in Starbucks bathrooms. My guess is you don't have a Starbucks in Lucas yet. That would explain what he was doing at your house.

The Unsexy Equation

Q: Dear Shlomo, I was reading this article in the Times today about how scientists have shown “your evolutionarily endowed sense of approximation is related to how good you are at formal math.” Many people believe that a facility for formal math is related to how socially awkward you are. Does this not mean people with a good sense of approximation are less likely to get laid? If so then an above average score on this test makes you unlikely to get laid. Sincerely, REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM

A: REDUCTIO, this is fascinating. Let me get this straight: A is a good sense of approximation and B is a facility for formal math. C is a high level of social awkwardness and D is likelihood of getting laid. You are basically asking if A implies B and B implies C and C implies D, does A imply D? That is a nice example of a Transitive Relation. You sure do have a knack for formal math! I leave it to you, the reader, to draw what conclusions you will from this.

Wii are the music-makers, And Wii are the dreamers of dreams.

Q: Dear Shlomo, I got to play Nintendo's next generation video game system in my dreams. The controls were incredibly sophisticated wireless marionette controllers. On the character selection screen of the game I was playing you could choose to be a left handed gay marionette, right handed gay marionette or a straight marionette with his hands tied together. What does it mean? Yours, GAYMER, Utah.

A: GAYMER, did you get to see the specs for the system in your dream? I'd give my granddad's Atari Video Computer System (VCS) model 2600 to hear what they were. The controllers sound awesome, a huge step up from the Wiimote. I can't wait for Nintendo to bring this system out of the closet! As for the interpretation of the dream: If you chose the left handed gay marionette, it means that you are sexually repressed. If you chose the right handed gay marionette, it means you are repressed, sexually. If you chose the straight marionette with his hands tied together, it means you want to choose one of the gay marionettes, but you are too sexually repressed to do so.

Quantum Marriage

Q: Dear Shlomo, the woman I plan to propose to is a theoretical physicist, but I can't find a suitable engagement ring. Gold and diamonds are so trite. I have a great idea for a ring though: a miniature cyclotron. Wouldn't a ring sized particle accelerator make a great engagement gift? Yours, MUSTER MARK, Colorado.

A: MUSTER MARK, the physics of marriage is not well understood. The least comprehensible aspect of it revolves around the proposal and gift of the ring. So, while I commend your creativity and desire to please, I recommend against mixing cutting edge theoretical physics and a proposal. Why just last week on Oprah I heard a leading researcher surmise that placing a particle traveling near the speed of light around a woman's finger in such an event would create a black hole that could consume the entire solar system. In the best case scenario it would merely wipe out your bank account.

Do yourself a favor and read up on this stuff. I think you will find it interesting. For example, the Clinton-Lewinsky conjecture, similar to a thought experiment by Schrödinger, states that a husband locked in a room with a woman who is not his wife is in the quantumly precarious position of being both adulterous and faithful at the same time. Not until the room is opened does he become one or the other. Sadly, even for the faithful husband there is no guarantee he will ever hear the end of such an experiment. This is due to the 2nd law of Spousal Dynamics: the conservation of guilt.

Before mp3 There Was Compact Disk?

Q: Dear Shlomo, I have a record player. What now? Huge Regards, ANNA LOG, Kansas.

A: ANNA LOG, what the hell is a record player?

Converting Facebook Friends to Real Friends

Q: Dear Shlomo, I've got loads of friends! My Facebook profile will attest to that, but last weekend I went to the movies by myself. What is wrong? Respectfully, FACE TO FACEBOOK, Idaho.

A: FACE TO FACEBOOK, the formula for converting Facebook friends into real friends is

I have discovered a truly marvellous proof of this, which this blog is too superficial to contain. If you graph this function on your TI-85 you will notice that beyond a certain limit real friends decrease as your Facebook friends increase. So, simple math tells us that cutting back on asynchronous relationships will improve the amount of time spent in the vicinity of real live friends.

Facebook Extra Credit Problem: At the same moment, two trains leave Chicago and New York. They move towards each other with costant speeds. The train from Chicago is moving at speed of 3 miles per hour due to the large dose of horse tranquilizers that the engineer took. It carries 23 Facebook users with 3240 Facebook friends. The train from New York is moving at speed of 960 miles per hour due to the large vial of cocaine the conductor sold to the engineer. It carries 34 Facebook users with 5234 Facebook friends. The distance between Chicago and New York is 1000 miles. How many Scrabulous games will have been played by the time the trains meet?

Reminiscing About Now

Q: Dear Schlomo, when I am at a bar or restaurant I see groups of girls who spend half the evening taking pictures of each other. Then they spend the other half looking at those pictures. Why do they feel the need to relive 2 minutes ago? Kindly, ALMOST FAMOUS, Vermont.

A: ALMOST FAMOUS, clearly you are a purist. You like your social situations uncut. No digital fillers and no technological shenanigans. Nothing but good clean discourse. A group of people at a bar watching television? Disgraceful! A clutch of teenage dudes each simultaneously listening to his own iPod? Filthy! Ok, so it is easy to be annoyed by those cackling groups of girls huddled around their digital cameras. They are like a sorry lot of un-celebrities forced to be their own paparazzi, right? Then again, maybe they are on to something. There is pleasure to be had by reliving the past, and noting beats reminiscing with the people who were there. If the past is only 2 minutes ago you can almost guarantee everyone who was there is still here! With a little practice you can make 2 mintues ago seem like the good old days.

ME: "Hey ALMOST FAMOUS, Remember that time you asked me about girls with digital cameras?"
YOU: ":("
ME: "Anyway, those were the good old days. I wish we could bring those days back."

See! Reminiscing about the moment before is legit. And once you unlock that capability you get all the pleasure of reminiscing with none of the waiting around for old age. It is instant gratification.

ME: "Hey ALMOST FAMOUS, Remember that time we were remembering the time when you asked me about girls with digital cameras?"
YOU: ":("
ME: "Anyway, those were the good old days. I wish we could bring those days back."

Then again, maybe they just do it because sharing pictures is a fun social activity that complements a night on the town.